What she will never know is that sentence tore me up and freed me all at once….

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I’ve heard powerful phrases throughout my life.

People have said things to me throughout my life that have stuck in my mind and I’ve reflected; long after they have said them to me. It is who I am and what I do. I am a muller.

Someday, I’ll write them all down, but tonight one comes to the forefront of my mind:

“You have to find your own faith Christine, you can’t lean on mine.”

It’s hard to put that into words that one may understand, but I’ll try.

I never wanted to, nor did I try to, lean on her faith. I needed to know for myself. It was never enough for me to hear another’s experiences, stories, or faith. Faith is a very personal journey… it’s something that can sustain you when all else fails.

Faith is … the evidence of things unseen, unknown…most of the time beyond our comprehension- there isn’t always something to back up ‘FAITH’; because well, it is faith. Some do not get this, some will never get this and there will be some that understand. I get that.

She was lying in a hospital bed dying of a terminal disease when she told me that. She had tears in her eyes when she said it. She said it softly, without judgment or defense; she had come a long way and she learned a lot.

I grew up exposed to a lot of ‘religion’. Those that know me are yet to understand the depths of what I mean when I say this.

I grew up exposed to witchcraft, Catholicism, Protestantism, atheism, new age religion, etc. Family trying to find their way… searching for truth, love, and things that made sense. And yet, most of us aren’t that different… we search, we look for answers… some more subtly than others, but still the quest is there.

I’ve known a lot of angles that many do not understand.

Trying to find my way in the midst of a hurricane of theories and beliefs that were shoved down my throat and preached at me a million miles an hour was tough growing up – especially when it came down to putting their money where their mouths were. There were mistakes made, there were hearts broken, and there were empty promises. But there was also some growth and I see that; time and life has a way of doing that, if we allow it.

I don’t have all the answers and I still don’t trust the ‘preachers’ – you know the ones? They got all the answers, never have doubts, and got it all figured out… those ones I trust the least. I cannot help it, I’m skeptical of them. I wonder if they have known enough of life because real life causes doubt sometimes. Can we just be honest enough to say that? I can.

And yet, I know faith. I don’t have all the answers. I have doubts. I have questions. And yet, I know faith. Not everyone will believe what I believe, I am okay with that – are you? Faith is a personal journey. It’s not something you read. It’s not something you can always explain. It just is. We must find our own faith, we cannot lean on the faith of others.

What she will never know is that sentence tore me up and freed me all at once…..

© LifeasChristine, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to LifeasChristine with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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