He went after the silent protector…

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“I never told you this before…” was how he began.

We were sitting out on the second story outdoor balcony of a vacation home in the Outer Banks, North Carolina.

It was a beautiful warm summer night and the stars were shining.

“Do you know why I got sick?”

It was a raw topic. We hadn’t spoken of it in years. Many bad memories that broke both our hearts.

“We were so young, I thought it was because you fell down the stairs.”

“No. He punched me every day, as hard as he could in the stomach.”

I instantly choked up and found myself angry at him.

“Why didn’t you tell me then? I would’ve protected you!”

“But Christine, I was trying to protect you. I was trying to protect everyone. He told me he would kill if I ever told.”

A few seconds later, our mother appeared. It was bad timing.

I was angry all over again for her choices. I was angry at her for not protecting us which lead to us trying to protect each other. But deep down, it wasn’t anger… it was hurt.

When we were very young, I used my voice when he couldn’t find his.

When Satan arrived (husband #2), my voice was all I had. At 5 years old, I told him I hated him. I didn’t understand a lot at 5, but I knew what hate looked like.

I imagined how it could have been different had he told me back then. Husband #2 never cared for me because I challenged him. I was not afraid of using my voice. I was the only kid in that house that didn’t keep my mouth shut. He hated that about me. Maybe I scared him.

He threatened my brother if he ever told anyone about the abuse. He threatened he would kill our mother. He threatened he would kill me.

I went back to that world in my head. I wondered what I would’ve done. Picture a little girl climbing on the roof and yelling for help. I would have kept yelling until someone came, until someone noticed. I would’ve tried to protect him or yelled until someone else came to do so.

Husband #2 never put his hands on me until he tried to strangle me at 15. Throughout the years up until that point, he only used words on me – the worst words imaginable. When he finally did put his hands on me, I fought back with everything I had in me. I fought, but I fled too. I ran the hardest on that night.

I think husband #2 knew this about me and it was another factor that he hated about me. He chose another route. He went after the silent protector.

It became too much for him, the pain. The emotional silence, the physical pain, the threats, the hurricane – all of it.

It happened like a whirlwind. He was gone one day and for many more after that. He took up residence at a hospital in the city. They ran a plethora of tests on him, CT scans, MRI’s, spinal taps, bloodwork…

All I knew is that my world stopped when he left. I didn’t understand what was happening. I hated seeing him in that hospital. I hated seeing him in that wheelchair. I hated not understanding what was happening.

He was paralyzed from the waist down.

I remember vividly a memory. Our dad trying to make him walk. I stood at the bottom of the stairs, watching. Within minutes, it was too much for him. It was too much for me. I cried and yelled at him to stop.

I wish that I could’ve prevented all that occurred. I wish that I had known way back then. I would’ve taken those secrets and screamed them for the world to know. I wondered how often those secrets slowly kill those that try to keep them.

I would’ve hugged him and banded with him. I would have taken the brunt and the blows. I would have screamed from the rooftop. I would’ve tried to protect him.

He told me later that part of him always felt weak for not standing up, for not fighting back, for not telling anyone. He was a lot of things, but weak was never one of them. He is so much stronger than he knew.

“Why didn’t you tell me then? I would’ve protected you!”

“But Christine, I was trying to protect you…”

© LifeasChristine, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to LifeasChristine with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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3 thoughts on “He went after the silent protector…

  1. yukonchic says:

    So sad. I’m sorry for what you all have lived through. I pray you are finding peace. And I pray that somehow, someway we can stop this abuse occurring all around the world!

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