Christine, I hope that if I’m ever in your father’s shoes…

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Today, I had supervision during practicum. I rarely write in the moment, but I’ve found myself reflecting on this quite a bit, long after the conversation concluded.

It was technically supervision, but today, it was just life we talked about. Life in the moment.

“Christine, I hope that if I’m ever in your father’s shoes, one of my kids will be what you’ve been for your father.”

It stopped me. Frankly, I never expected such an honest and vulnerable admission. Yet, it wasn’t something new I have heard.

“It’s not about deserving, you know”

He asked me to explain. I did.

I spoke about how we as people are constantly giving worth and taking it away throughout various situations and with people throughout life – those that cross our paths and those that don’t. It’s almost like we have this innate, annoying tendency to measure who is worthy and who is not. Who deserves what and who does not.

I further explained that my father was never perfect.

“Show me a man that claims he is and I will show you a liar”, he responded.

I told him we recently cracked his safe. I found those power of attorney papers, the living will, and the healthcare proxy forms.

I told him about his living will.

“He wants to come home. No matter what…he wants to come home.”

I wondered aloud in his office. I wondered if it was about reciprocity.

Do we do what we can with where we are and what we know?

Or perhaps it’s all about learning what we value and standing up for those values?

I’ve heard “You’re a blessing to your father”, “You’re father is lucky to have you”…etc.

I’ll be the first to acknowledge, I’ve been a pain in his ass.

He has also been a pain in my ass.

We butted heads while I was growing up. We wanted different things for me. I challenged his beliefs and he challenged mine. He later changed his beliefs and I challenged him on knowing what he stood for. Throughout my 20’s and early 30’s, we have had many thought provoking and emotionally-charged conversations. For a guy that doesn’t like to make himself emotionally vulnerable, I knew what this meant for him.

And I do know, that he’s always tried to meet me where I was and I’ve always tried to meet him where he was.

Can we do that for our children?

Can we do that for our parents?

It’s not always easy. I’ll give anyone that. And I get why.

I too have wondered what if I was in his shoes. Would they advocate for me? Would they fight for me? Would they lose patience with me? Would they take it personal? Would they grieve for what they lost, but carry on with what they have? Would they push me? Would they wonder if they made the right decisions? Would they find gratitude? Would they get what they needed when they needed it?

Or maybe this is about him realizing that he can be imperfect and still be loved and worthy?

I’ll never forget the day the neurosurgeon said to me, “If you’re father is the kind of person that is only happy living a perfect life, now is the time to say goodbye”.

Maybe it’s about me not being ready to say goodbye…

Maybe it’s about grace…

© LifeasChristine, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to LifeasChristine with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Many touched my life in their own way and they are all a part of my story…

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I have loved three men in my life, though I know I have spoken those three words to others. It took me a long time to really understand love.

There were some I really liked. There were memories made with most. There were lessons learned with others. Throw in some mistakes, some joy, and a lot of laughter. I lived in the moment and wherever that moment brought me I made the most of it.

I hold high ideals on the concept of love, maybe because it took me so long to truly understand it. To love a person, come what may it does not dwindle. Love is bigger than us.

In some way I have loved others, though it was not beyond the depths of me. That love is not put in a way that can be comparable. It’s hard to define. Perhaps it was in the infant stages of love, maybe it never grew. Maybe it was a realm of possibility, two people not quite ready with timing off on so many levels. Some skimmed the surface but for whatever reason, it remained where it lay. And there were also blips in life, a memory or two, but no more.

Each of these touched my life in their own way and they are all a part of my story.

One asked me once, “What would you write about me?”

It’s not often we reflect back on the relationships throughout our lives, every person we crossed paths with and wonder if or how they may have shaped us. Did they impact us in some way? Was there meaning to the connection? Was there a purpose? Or was it simply two people sharing a moment in the midst of life, for no other reason than coincidence; no rhyme, no reason, no lesson, no purpose.

Most of the people that have crossed my path, I have thought long and hard about them at one point or another. I dissected what we had, what we experienced, what we discussed, who they were and who I was to them.

Each have shaped me in some way and contributed something about my understanding of life, love, or people.

My father once told me when I was young that I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I never told him then what I thought about his words, though I had a lot of thoughts on that idea, but even more so now.

I never let the experiences stop me, good, bad, or otherwise. I never hardened up because of them. I do not regret this because in a lot of ways, life kept on teaching me. I have tried to see people for who they were without all the excess. I almost always rooted for the underdogs. You know the ones your dad doesn’t want you to get to know. I wanted to know why. I wanted to know them. I wanted to know what made them them and why. I wanted to see them as others saw them, how they saw themselves, and see what they didn’t see. I gave more to understanding and less to judgment.

Most human judgment lies in human error, a lack of understanding many angles.

We often criticize what we do not understand and there is often a lack of understanding.

It’s not often we reflect back on the relationships throughout our lives, every person we crossed paths with and wonder if or how they may have shaped us. Did they impact us in some way? Was there meaning to the connection? Was there a purpose? Or was it simply two people sharing a moment in the midst of life, for no other reason than coincidence; no rhyme, no reason, no lesson, no purpose.

Many touched my life in their own way and they are all a part of my story…

 

© LifeasChristine, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to LifeasChristine with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.